14. Lo̍h-hō͘ Thiⁿ
Tit-boeh lo̍h-hō͘ ah, put-an ê phú-sek, tâm-sip ê bū-khì kòa tī ô͘ téng-koân. Góa tī óa góa tòa ê kheh-chàn ê ô͘-piⁿ sàn-pō͘.
Ū chi̍t chióng lo̍h-hō͘ thiⁿ, hō͘ lâng sóng-khoài, hoaⁿ-hí. Kin-á-ji̍t ê thiⁿ-khì m̄-sī án-ne. Cha̍t-cha̍t ê khong-khì lāi-té, sip-tō͘ it-ti̍t khí-khí lo̍h-lo̍h. O͘-hûn it-ti̍t sòaⁿ--khì, sin ê koh seⁿ--chhut-lâi. Thiⁿ téng chhiong-móa tio̍h put-an kap bái ê khì-hun.
Góa siūⁿ-kóng, e-àm góa ē kòe-liáu khah sóng-khoài: tī hî-hu ê kheh-chàn chia̍h àm-tǹg, tòa chi̍t mê, tī ô͘-piⁿ sàn-pō͘, tī ô͘ ni̍h sé-e̍k, tī goe̍h-kng ni̍h siû-chúi. Sū-si̍t m̄-sī án-ne, iu-būn, o͘-àm ê thiⁿ ná-chhiūⁿ khí-sîn-keng, chhiūⁿ sái-sèng-tē, kā i iu-chhiû ê hō͘-chúi tò-lo̍h ô͘ ni̍h, tī hong-hûn piàn-sek ê sî, góa piàⁿ leh lōng, kāng-khoán sîn-keng, kāng-khoán siū-khì. Sī-m̄-sī cha-àm góa lim siuⁿ chē chiú, a̍h-sī lim siuⁿ chió, a̍h-sī góa bîn-bāng tio̍h siáⁿ koài-sū. Thiⁿ-kong-peh chiah ē chai sī án-chóaⁿ. Khì-hun chin bái, khong-khì tâm koh būn, góa sim-chêng iu-būn, sè-kài bô chi̍t tiám-á kong-bêng.
E-àm góa ē chia̍h hang hî, lim chē-chē pún-tē ê âng-chiú. Goán chin kín tō ê kā kong-bêng chah tńg-lâi sè-kài, hō͘ seng-oa̍h koh-khah hó-kòe. Góa ē tī kheh-chàn ê piah-lô͘ hiâⁿ-hóe, án-ne góa tō m̄-bián koh khòaⁿ tio̍h a̍h-sī jím-siū chit chiong lán-lán, nōa-nōa ê hō͘. Góa ē pok hó ê, tn̂g ê Brissago sigá, the̍h chiú-poe kèng hóe, he poe-á ē siám-kng, ná hoeh-sek ê pó-chio̍h. Goán ē kái-piàn it-chhè. Àm-sî chin hó kòe, góa ē chin hó khùn, bîn-á-chài tō lóng bô kāng ah.
Iân ô͘-piⁿ ê chhián-chúi ni̍h, hō͘-tiám ná sàu-siā; léng koh sip ê hong chhoe-kòe tâm-tâm, im tîm-tîm ná sí hî ê chhiū-á. Ok-mô͘ phùi nōa tī thng ni̍h: Bô chi̍t hāng hó-sè. Bô chi̍t hāng tio̍h. Bô chi̍t hāng hông hoaⁿ-hí kap un-loán. Ta̍k-hāng lóng ko͘-khu̍t, lóng pi-siong, lóng àu-chhàu. Só͘-ū ê khîm-hiân lóng loān-tôaⁿ. Só͘-ū ê sek-chhái lóng thè-sek.
Góa chai sī án-chóaⁿ ē án-ne. M̄-sī in-ūi cha-hng góa lim ê chiú, mā m̄-sī in-ūi góa khùn ê pháiⁿ bîn-chhn̂g, koh-khah m̄-sī in-ūi lo̍h-hō͘ thiⁿ. Ok-mô͘ í-keng lâi-kàu chia, chhiat-tn̄g góa ê sim hiân. Put-an koh-chài lâi ah, sī ùi gín-á sî ê bāng, ùi sîn-sian kò͘-sū, ùi tha̍k-chheh gín-á ài keng-kòe ê sū-sū hāng-hāng ê put-an. Put-an, pa̍k tī bô piàn-hòa, tī ut-chut, tī oàn-hūn. Sè-kài ná-ē chiah-nī bô-chhù-bī! Chiâⁿ khó-phà, bîn-á-chài ài koh khí-chhn̂g, ài koh chia̍h-pn̄g, ài koh oa̍h tio̍h! Sī án-chóaⁿ ài koh oa̍h? Lán ná-ē chiah-nī gōng-gōng hó sèng-tē? Lán ná-ē bô chá-chá tō thiàu ô͘ chū-sat?
Che bô-thang siám-phiah. Lí bē-tàng chò lōng-chú kap gē-su̍t-ka, koh chò kian-kò͘ ê kong-bîn, kiān-choân, chiàⁿ-ti̍t ê lâng. Lí siūⁿ boeh lim-chùi, lí tō ài jím-siū sok-chùi. Lí hoan-gêng ji̍t-kng kap hoàn-sióng, lí tō ài chiap-siū a-cha kap iûⁿ-hîn. It-chhè lóng tī lí, kim kap thô͘, khoài-lo̍k kap thòng-khó͘, gín-á ê chhiò-siaⁿ kap sí-bông ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Chiap-siū it-chhè, mài siám-phiah, m̄-thang khi-phiàn lí ka-tī. Lí m̄-sī kian-kò͘ ê kong-bîn, lí m̄-sī Hi-lia̍p lâng, lí bô hô-hâi it-tì, m̄-sī ka-tī ê chú-lâng, lí sī chi̍t chiah ú-tiong-niáu. Hong-hō͘ lâi lah! Hō͘ i pek lí! Lí chiâⁿ gâu phiàn! Ū chi̍t-chheng pái, sīm-chì tī lí ê si kap chheh ni̍h, lí poaⁿ-ián hô-hâi ê lâng, ū tì-hūi ê lâng, khoài-lo̍k, kak-gō͘ ê lâng. Kāng-khoán, tī chiàn-tiûⁿ chiàn-tàu ê lâng, chi̍t-bīn bak-tó͘ ká-thiàⁿ, chi̍t-bīn poaⁿ-ián eng-hiông, Thiⁿ ah, chit-chiong lâng ná chhiūⁿ khó-liân ê kâu, ná chhiūⁿ kiàⁿ ni̍h ê kiàm-kheh -- iû-kî sī gē-su̍t-ka -- iû-kî sī si-jîn -- iû-kî sī góa ka-tī!
Góa chiong boeh chia̍h hang ê hî, boeh iōng kāu po-lê-poe lim Nostrano, bān-bān pok tn̂g ê sigá, hiòng hóe-lô͘ phùi nōa, siūⁿ goán lāu-bú, ùi góa ê put-an kap iu-siong ah-chhut kúi-tih-á tiⁿ-bi̍t. Jiân-āu góa boeh tó lo̍h tī po̍h piah piⁿ ê gāi-gio̍h ê bîn-chhn̂g, thiaⁿ hong kap hō͘, tùi-khòng góa ê sim-thiàu, siūⁿ boeh sí, kiaⁿ sí, kî-kiû Sîn. It-ti̍t kàu chiah-ê lóng kòe, kàu giâu-gî ka-tī kái-tî, kàu ná-chhiūⁿ khùn-bîn kap an-ùi kā góa ia̍t-chhiú. Góa jī-cha̍p hòe ê sî án-ne, kin-á-ji̍t mā sī án-ne, che ē kè-sio̍k, it-ti̍t kàu chòe-āu. Chóng-sī, chi̍t piàn koh chi̍t piàn, góa ài hù-chhut chhin-chhiūⁿ án-ne ê ji̍t-chí, chiah ē tit-tio̍h góa só͘ ài ê, khó-ài ê seng-oa̍h. Chóng-sī, chi̍t piàn koh chi̍t piàn, chit chióng ji̍t kap mê ē lâi: put-an, oàn-hūn, giâu-gî. M̄-koh, góa ē oa̍h lo̍h-khì, góa iáu-sī jia̍t-ài sèⁿ-miā.
Oh, kòa tī soaⁿ-téng ê hûn sī gōa-nī pi-phí koh ok-chit! Ô͘ bīn hoán-siā ê pêng-kng sī gōa-nī ké koh po̍h. Ta̍k-hāng chìn-ji̍p góa ê sim-su ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ sī gōa-nī gōng-tai koh gāi-gio̍h.
--
14. 落雨天
得欲落雨 ah, 不安 ê 殕色, 澹溼 ê 霧氣掛 tī 湖頂懸. 我 tī 倚我蹛 ê 客棧 ê 湖邊散步.
有一種落雨天, 予人爽快, 歡喜. 今仔日 ê 天氣毋是 án-ne. Cha̍t-cha̍t ê 空氣內底, 溼度一直起起落落. 烏雲一直散去, 新 ê koh 生出來. 天頂充滿著不安 kap 䆀 ê 氣氛.
我想講, 下暗我會過了較爽快: tī 魚夫 ê 客棧食暗頓, 蹛一暝, tī 湖邊散步, tī 湖 ni̍h 洗浴, tī 月光 ni̍h 泅水. 事實毋是 án-ne, 憂悶, 烏暗 ê 天 ná 像起神經, 像使性地, kā 伊憂愁 ê 雨水倒落湖 ni̍h, tī 風雲變色 ê 時, 我拚 leh lōng, 仝款神經, 仝款受氣. 是毋是昨暗我啉 siuⁿ 濟酒, 抑是啉 siuⁿ 少, 抑是我眠夢著啥怪事. 天公伯才會知是按怎. 氣氛真䆀, 空氣澹 koh 悶, 我心情憂悶, 世界無一點仔光明.
下暗我會食烘魚, 啉濟濟本地 ê 紅酒. 阮真緊 tō 會 kā 光明扎轉來世界, 予生活 koh 較好過. 我會 tī 客棧 ê 壁爐燃火, án-ne 我 tō 毋免 koh 看著抑是忍受這種懶懶, 爛爛 ê 雨. 我會噗好 ê, 長 ê Brissago sigá, 提酒杯敬火, 彼杯仔會閃光, ná 血色 ê 寶石. 阮會改變一切. 暗時真好過, 我會真好睏, 明仔載 tō lóng 無仝 ah.
沿湖邊 ê 淺水 ni̍h, 雨點 ná 掃射; 冷 koh 溼 ê 風吹過澹澹, 陰沉沉 ná 死魚 ê 樹仔. 惡魔呸瀾 tī 湯 ni̍h: 無一項好勢. 無一項著. 無一項 hông 歡喜 kap 溫暖. 逐項 lóng 孤 khu̍t, lóng 悲傷, lóng 漚臭. 所有 ê 琴弦 lóng 亂彈. 所有 ê 色彩 lóng 退色.
我知是按怎會 án-ne. 毋是因為昨昏我啉 ê 酒, mā 毋是因為我睏 ê 歹眠床, koh 較毋是因為落雨天. 惡魔已經來到遮, 切斷我 ê 心弦. 不安 koh 再來 ah, 是 ùi 囡仔時 ê 夢, ùi 神仙故事, ùi 讀冊囡仔愛經過 ê 事事項項 ê 不安. 不安, 縛 tī 無變化, tī 鬱卒, tī 怨恨. 世界那會 chiah-nī 無趣味! 誠可怕, 明仔載愛 koh 起床, 愛 koh 食飯, 愛 koh 活著! 是按怎愛 koh 活? 咱那會 chiah-nī 戇戇好性地? 咱那會無早早 tō 跳湖自殺?
這無通閃避. 你袂當做浪子 kap 藝術家, koh 做堅固 ê 公民, 健全, 正直 ê 人. 你想欲啉醉, 你 tō 愛忍受宿醉. 你歡迎日光 kap 幻想, 你 tō 愛接受 a-cha kap 羊眩. 一切 lóng tī 你, 金 kap 塗, 快樂 kap 痛苦, 囡仔 ê 笑聲 kap 死亡 ê 驚惶. 接受一切, 莫閃避, 毋通欺騙你家己. 你毋是堅固 ê 公民, 你毋是希臘人, 你無和諧一致, 毋是家己 ê 主人, 你是一隻雨中鳥. 風雨來 lah! 予伊逼你! 你誠 gâu 騙! 有一千擺, 甚至 tī 你 ê 詩 kap 冊 ni̍h, 你搬演和諧 ê 人, 有智慧 ê 人, 快樂, 覺悟 ê 人. 仝款, tī 戰場戰鬥 ê 人, 一面腹肚絞疼, 一面搬演英雄, 天 ah, 這種人 ná 像可憐 ê 猴, ná 像鏡 ni̍h ê 劍客 -- 尤其是藝術家 -- 尤其是詩人 -- 尤其是我家己!
我將欲食烘 ê 魚, 欲用厚玻璃杯啉 Nostrano, 慢慢噗長 ê sigá, 向火爐呸瀾, 想阮老母, ùi 我 ê 不安 kap 憂傷押出幾滴仔甜蜜. 然後我欲倒落 tī 薄壁邊 ê 礙虐 ê 眠床, 聽風 kap 雨, 對抗我 ê 心跳, 想欲死, 驚死, 祈求神. 一直到 chiah-ê lóng 過, 到憢疑家己解除, 到 ná 像睏眠 kap 安慰 kā 我擛手. 我二十歲 ê 時 án-ne, 今仔日 mā 是 án-ne, 這會繼續, 一直到最後. 總是, 一遍 koh 一遍, 我愛付出親像 án-ne ê 日子, 才會得著我所愛 ê, 可愛 ê 生活. 總是, 一遍 koh 一遍, 這種日 kap 暝會來: 不安, 怨恨, 憢疑. M̄-koh, 我會活落去, 我猶是熱愛性命.
Oh, 掛 tī 山頂 ê 雲是 gōa-nī 卑鄙 koh 惡質! 湖面反射 ê 平光是 gōa-nī 假 koh 薄. 逐項進入我 ê 心思 ê 物件是 gōa-nī 戇呆 koh 礙虐.
--
14. Rainy Weather
It is trying to rain, over the lake the gray and flabby air hangs anxiously. I am walking on the beach, near the inn where I am staying.
There is a kind of rainy weather that is refreshing and cheerful. Today's weather is not. The dampness falls and rises endlessly in the dense air. The coulds constantly fall apart, and new ones are always there. Irresolution and a bad mood prevail in the sky.
I thought this evening was going to be much more pleasant for me, dinner and a night's lodging at the fisherman's inn, a walk on the beach, bathing in the lake, perhaps a swim in the moonlight. Instead of these, a morbid and dark sky nervously and ill-humoredly releases its morose shower of rain into the lake, and I creep along, no less nervous and ill-humored, through the changed landscape. Perhaps I drank too much wine last evening, or too little, or else I dreamed about troubling things. God knows what it is. The mood is devilish, the air is flabby and tormenting, my thoughts are gloomy, and there is not a gleam in the world.
Tonight I will have baked fish, and drink a good deal of the local red wine. We will soon bring something gleaming back into the world, and find life more bearable. We'll have a fire in the tavern fireplace, so I won't any longer have to see or bear this lazy, slack rain. I will be somoking good long Brissago cigars and holding my wine glass up to the fire, till it glitters like a blood-colored gem. We will make it all right. The evening will go past, I will be able to sleep, tomorrow everything will be different.
In the shallow water along the beach, raindrops are splashing; a cool and moist wind fusses in the damp trees, which glow leadenly like dead fish. The devil has spit in the soup. Notihing comes out even. Nothing sounds right. Nothing rejoices and warms. Everyting is desolate, sad, foul. All strings out of tune. All colors faded.
I know why this is so. It is not the wine I drank yesterday, and it is not the bad bed I slept in, and it is not even the rainy weather. Devils have been here and shrilly untuned me, string by string. The anxiety was there again, anxiety from childhood dreams, from fairy tales, from the things a schoolboy had to go through. The anxiety, the being trapped by the unalterable, the melancholy, the aversion. How insipid the world tastes! How dreadful that one has to rise again tomorrow, to eat again, to live again! Then why does one go on living? Why are we so idiotically good-natured? Why didn't we jump in the lake a long time ago?
There is no escape. You can't be a vagabond and an artist and still be a solid citizen, a wholesome, upstanding man. You want to get drunk, so you have to accept the hangover. You say yes to the sunlight and your pure fantasies, so you have to say yes to the filth and the nausea. Everything is within you, gold and mud, happiness and pain, the laughter of childhood and the apprehension of death. Say yes to everything, shirk nothing, don't try to lie to yourself. You are not a solid citizen, you are not a Greek, you are not harmonious, or the master of yourself, you are a bird in the storm. Let it storm! Let it drive you! How much you have lied! A thousand times, even in your poems and books, you have played the harmonious man, the wise man, the happy, the enlightened man. In the same way, men attacking in war have played heroes, while their bowel twitched. My God, what a poor ape, what a fencer in the mirror, man is -- paticularly the artist -- particularly the poet -- particularly myself!
I will have baked fish, and I will drink Nostrano out of a thick glass, and draw slowly on long cigars, and spit into the glowing fireplace, think about my mother, and try to press a few drops of sweetness out of my anxiety and sorrow. Then I will lie down in the inadequate bed beside the thin wall, listen to wind and rain, struggle with the beating of my heart, wish for death, fear death, call out to God. Until it is all over, until doubt wears itself out, until something like sleep and consolation becons to me. So it was when I was twenty years old, so it is today, and so it will go on, until it ends. Always, over and over, I will have to pay for my loved and lovely life with days like these. Always, over and over, these days and nights will come, the anxiety, the aversion, the doubt. And I will still live, and I will still love life.
Oh, how meanly and maliciously the clouds hang on the mountains! How false and tinny is the flat light mirrored in the lake! How stupid and comfortless everything is, everything that comes into my mind.
--
No comments:
Post a Comment