9. Bo̍k-su Kong-koán | 牧師公館

9. Bo̍k-su Kong-koán [Tâi-gí gí-im]

Liû-lōng keng-kòe chit keng súi chhù, hō͘ góa kám-kak ko͘-toaⁿ koh siūⁿ chhù -- góa ài tiām-chēng, an-lêng, kap tiong-chàn kai-kip ê seng-oa̍h, góa siūⁿ ài ū hó ê bîn-chhn̂g, hoe-hn̂g ê tn̂g-liâu-í, kap hó chàu-kha ê khì-bī, mā ài chheh-pâng, hun-chháu, kap kū-chheh. Siàu-liân ê sî, góa gōa nī khòaⁿ-bô sîn-ha̍k! Taⁿ góa chai, he sī iu-ngá koh sîn-kî ê ha̍k-kho, i kap kè-niû ta̍p-tih mi̍h bô-koan, mā kap iōng bô-thêng ê chiàn-cheng soan-kò sèng-lī kap pōe-poān, chit chióng e̍h-kheh ê sè-kài le̍k-sú bô-koan; i koan-sim chhú-lí ê sī: lāi-sim só͘ ài ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, chun-giâm kap kái-thoat, thiⁿ-sài kap sèng-lé.

Chhiūⁿ góa chit khoán lâng nā tòa che chhù, chò bo̍k-su m̄-chai ē gōa hó neh! Iû-kî sī chhiūⁿ góa chit khoán lâng! Góa kám bô ha̍h hit khoán lâng -- chhēng o͘-sek hoat-phâu kiâⁿ tī hn̂g ni̍h, tùi lâi-á kè chò un-jiû ê chiàu-kò͘, sīm-chì sī cheng-sîn siōng ê kap hêng-sek siōng ê mā-hó, an-ùi chng ni̍h boeh-sí ê lâng, tha̍k Latin-bûn ê chheh, chhin-chhiat hoan-hù chú-pn̄g--ê, lé-pài-ji̍t kiâⁿ chio̍h-pang lō͘ khì kàu-tn̂g, thâu-khak té siūⁿ-hó boeh kóng ê tō-lí?

Pháiⁿ-thiⁿ ê sî, góa hiâⁿ chi̍t ê hóe, ū-sî tō khò tī he chheⁿ-sek a̍h-sī nâ-sek thàilù ê hóe-lô͘, koh ū-sî tō kiâⁿ-kàu thang-á piⁿ, khòaⁿ thiⁿ-khì hàiⁿ-thâu.

M̄-koh, nā hó-thiⁿ góa ē chia̍p-chia̍p tī hn̂g ni̍h kiâⁿ, siu-chián pô-tô-tîn, koh kā pa̍k tī kè-á, a̍h-sī khiā tī khui--khui ê thang-á chêng, khòaⁿ he hn̄g-soaⁿ iû phú-o͘ choán-piàn sêng mûi-kùi sek. Oh, góa ē móa-móa ài-sim khòaⁿ ta̍k-ê keng-kòe góa tiām-chēng ê chhù ê lōng-chú, góa ē chin-chêng ba̍k sàng i lī-khui, chiok-hok i, o-ló i, in-ūi i soán chi̍t tiâu pí góa ê khah hó ê lō͘, in-ūi i sī chin-si̍t, tiong-si̍t ê tē-kiû kòe-kheh kap tiâu-sèng-chiá, m̄-sī chhiūⁿ góa án-ne tī teh poaⁿ-ián sîn kap chú.

Khó-lêng góa ē sī hit khoán ê bo̍k-su. M̄-koh góa mā khó-lêng sī pa̍t khoán ê, tī ut-būn ê chheh-pâng lim kāu pô-tô chiú kòe àm-mê, kap chi̍t-chheng ê ok-mô͘ sio-phah, a̍h-sī in-ūi kap lâi góa chia chhàm-hóe ê siàu-liân cha-bó͘ hoān tio̍h ài-māi, chō-sêng liông-sim put-an, chōe-ok-kám, chū án-ne ùi ok-bāng tio̍h-kiaⁿ chhéⁿ--lâi. A̍h-sī góa ē kā hoe-hn̂g chheⁿ-sek ê gōa-mn̂g só leh, m̄-koán kàu-tn̂g su-sū (司事, sexton) teh chhi̍h mn̂g-lêng, koh góa bô-kò͘ góa tī kàu-tn̂g ê chit-ūi, a̍h-sī góa tī sè-kài ê tē-ūi, góa ē tó tī phòng-í pok-hun, kan-ta pîn-tōaⁿ. Pîn-tōaⁿ kah àm-sî m̄ thǹg-saⁿ, chá-sî m̄ khí-chhn̂g.

Kán-tan kóng, góa bē chin-ê chò tòa chit keng chhù ê bo̍k-su. Góa chí ē sī phiau-iû put-tēng, bô chhù ê lōng-chú, kap taⁿ ê góa kāng-khoán. Góa éng-oán bē sī bo̍k-su, m̄-koh ū khó-lêng sī chho͘-iá ê sîn-ha̍k-chiá, ū-sî sī bí-si̍t-ka, ū-sî pîn-tōaⁿ kah m̄-sī khoán, sì-bīn choân chiú-kan-á, khah siūⁿ mā sī súi cha-bó͘, ū-sî sī si-jîn, sī siáu-thiúⁿ-á, ū-sî siūⁿ-chhù, chhau-hoân, sàn-kah sim teh thiàⁿ.

Só͘-í, tùi góa lóng kāng-khoán, m̄-koán góa sī tī lāi-té a̍h-sī tī gōa-kháu khòaⁿ he chheⁿ-sek ê mn̂g, he pô-tô kè, he khó-ài ê bo̍k-su kong-koán, m̄-koán góa sī ùi ke-lō͘ him-siān khòaⁿ thoân-kàu-sū tòa ê chhù-thang, a̍h-sī góa ùi thang-á him-siān khòaⁿ lo̍h hiah-ê lōng-chú. Góa chò bo̍k-su a̍h-sī chò ke-lō͘ ê iû-bîn, che tùi sèⁿ-miā ū siáⁿ bô-kāng? Tùi góa lóng sio-kāng -- tî-liáu chi̍t-kóa khah chhim-ji̍p ê tāi-chì: góa kám-kak góa ê sèⁿ-miā teh chùn-tāng, tī góa ê chi̍h, tī góa ê kha-té, tī góa ê chêng-io̍k a̍h-sī góa ê chia̍h-khó͘, góa ài góa ê lêng-hûn sī liû-lōng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, ē-tàng piàn-hòa pah-chióng ê hêng-sek, góa ài ē-tàng bāng tio̍h ka-tī sī bo̍k-su kap lōng-chú, chú-chia̍h cha-bó͘ kap hiong-chhiú, gín-á kap oa̍h-bu̍t-á, iû-kî sī, chiáu-á kap chhiū-á; che chin su-iàu, góa ài án-ne, án-ne góa chiah ē-tàng kè-sio̍k oa̍h, nā siáⁿ-mi̍h sî-chūn góa bô chiah-ê khó-lêng, koh hō͘ só͘-ūi ê hiān-si̍t lia̍h tio̍h, góa chêng-goān sí.

Góa khò tī phùn-chôaⁿ-tâi, ōe chit keng bo̍k-su kong-koán: góa siōng kah-ì i ê chheⁿ-sek gōa-mn̂g, pōe-kéng sī chiam-thah. Ū khó-lêng góa kā mn̂g ōe liáu pí i si̍t-chè ê koh-khah chheⁿ, mā kā chiam-thah ōe liáu pí i si̍t-chè ê koh-khah koân. Bô-iàu-kín. Iàu-kín ê sī, ū cha̍p-gō͘ hun-cheng chit keng chhù sī góa ê. Ū chi̍t kang, góa ē siūⁿ-khí chit keng bo̍k-su kong-koán, kám-kak siūⁿ-chhù, sui-bóng góa kan-ta khiā tī gōa-kháu khòaⁿ i, sui-bóng góa m̄-bat jīm-hô tòa chia ê lâng -- i ē hō͘ góa siūⁿ-chhù, ká-ná che tō sī chin-chiàⁿ góa ê chhù, sī chi̍t ê góa sè-hàn tòa kòe chin hoaⁿ-hí ê só͘-chāi. In-ūi tī chia, ū cha̍p-gō͘ hun-cheng, góa sī gín-á, góa chin hoaⁿ-hí.

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9. 牧師公館 [台語語音]

流浪經過這間媠厝, 予我感覺孤單 koh 想厝 -- 我愛恬靜, 安寧, kap 中層階級 ê 生活, 我想愛有好 ê 眠床, 花園 ê 長 liâu 椅, kap 好灶跤 ê 氣味, mā 愛冊房, 薰草, kap 舊冊. 少年 ê 時, 我偌 nī 看無神學! 今我知, 彼是優雅 koh 神奇 ê 學科, 伊 kap 計量沓滴物無關, mā kap 用無停 ê 戰爭宣告勝利 kap 背叛, 這種狹 kheh ê 世界歷史無關; 伊關心處理 ê 是: 內心所愛 ê 物件, 尊嚴 kap 解脫, 天使 kap 聖禮.

像我這款人若蹛這厝, 做牧師毋知會偌好 neh! 尤其是像我這款人! 我敢無合彼款人 -- 穿烏色法袍行 tī 園 ni̍h, 對梨仔架做溫柔 ê 照顧, 甚至是精神上 ê kap 形式上 ê mā 好, 安慰庄 ni̍h 欲死 ê 人, 讀 Latin 文 ê 冊, 親切吩咐煮飯 ê, 禮拜日行石枋路去教堂, 頭殼底想好欲講 ê 道理?

歹天 ê 時, 我燃一个火, 有時 tō 靠 tī 彼青色抑是藍色 thàilù ê 火爐, koh 有時 tō 行到窗仔邊, 看天氣幌頭.

M̄-koh, 若好天我會捷捷 tī 園 ni̍h 行, 修剪葡萄藤, koh kā 縛 tī 架仔, 抑是徛 tī 開開 ê 窗仔前, 看彼遠山由殕烏轉變成玫瑰色. Oh, 我會滿滿愛心看逐个經過我恬靜 ê 厝 ê 浪子, 我會真情目送伊離開, 祝福伊, o-ló 伊, 因為伊選一條比我 ê 較好 ê 路, 因為伊是真實, 忠實 ê 地球過客 kap 朝聖者, 毋是像我 án-ne tī teh 搬演神 kap 主.

可能我會是彼款 ê 牧師. M̄-koh 我 mā 可能是別款 ê, tī 鬱悶 ê 冊房啉厚葡萄酒過暗暝, kap 一千个惡魔相拍, 抑是因為 kap 來我遮懺悔 ê 少年查某犯著曖昧, 造成良心不安, 罪惡感, 自 án-ne ùi 惡夢著驚醒來. 抑是我會 kā 花園青色 ê 外門鎖 leh, 毋管教堂司事 (sexton) teh 揤門鈴, koh 我無顧我 tī 教堂 ê 職位, 抑是我 tī 世界 ê 地位, 我會倒 tī 膨椅噗薰, 干焦貧惰. 貧惰甲暗時毋褪衫, 早時毋起床.

簡單講, 我袂真 ê 做蹛這間厝 ê 牧師. 我只會是漂游不定, 無厝 ê 浪子, kap 今 ê 我仝款. 我永遠袂是牧師, M̄-koh 有可能是粗野 ê 神學者, 有時是美食家, 有時貧惰甲毋是款, 四面全酒矸仔, 較想 mā 是媠查某, 有時是詩人, 是小丑仔, 有時想厝, 操煩, 散甲心 teh 疼.

所以, 對我攏仝款, 毋管我是 tī 內底抑是 tī 外口看彼青色 ê 門, 彼葡萄架, 彼可愛 ê 牧師公館, 毋管我是 ùi 街路欣羨看傳教士蹛 ê 厝窗, 抑是我 ùi 窗仔欣羨看落 hiah-ê 浪子. 我做牧師抑是做街路 ê 遊民, 這對性命有啥無仝? Tùi 我攏相仝 -- 除了一寡較深入 ê 代誌: 我感覺我 ê 性命 teh 顫動, tī 我 ê 舌, tī 我 ê 跤底, tī 我 ê 情慾抑是我 ê 食苦, 我愛我 ê 靈魂是流浪 ê 物件, 會當變化百種 ê 形式, 我愛會當夢著家己是牧師 kap 浪子, 煮食查某 kap 兇手, 囡仔 kap 活物仔, 尤其是, 鳥仔 kap 樹仔; 這真需要, 我愛 án-ne, án-ne 我才會當繼續活, 若啥物時陣我無 chiah-ê 可能, koh 予所謂 ê 現實掠著, 我情願死.

我靠 tī 噴泉台, 畫這間牧師公館: 我上佮意伊 ê 青色外門, 背景是尖塔. 有可能我 kā 門畫了比伊實際 ê koh 較青, mā kā 尖塔畫了比伊實際 ê koh 較懸. 無要緊. 要緊 ê 是, 有十五分鐘這間厝是我 ê. 有一工, 我會想起這間牧師公館, 感覺想厝, 雖罔我干焦徛 tī 外口看伊, 雖罔我 m̄-bat 任何蹛遮 ê 人 -- 伊會予我想厝, ká-ná 這 tō 是真正我 ê 厝, 是一个我細漢蹛過真歡喜 ê 所在. 因為 tī 遮, 有十五分鐘, 我是囡仔, 我真歡喜.

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9. Rectory

It makes me lonely and homesick to wander past this beautiful house -- I want silence, peace, and a middle-class life, I long for good beds, a garden bench and the fragrance of a fine kitchen, and also for a study, tobacco, and old books. And when I was young how much I despised and mocked theology! Today I know it is a discipline graceful and magical, it has nothing to do with the trivialities of meters and measures, nothing to do with the narrow history of the world, with its incessant shooting, proclamations of victory, betrayals; theology deals tenderly with inward, beloved things, grace and salvation, angels and sacraments.

How wonderful it would be for a man like me to make his home here, to be a priest! Especially a man like me! Wouldn't I be just the right kind -- walking back and forth in a fine black habit, caring tenderly, even spiritually and symbolically, for the pear trellises in the garden, soothing the dying in the villages, reading old books in Latin, giving gentle orders to the cook, and on Sundays strolling across the flagstones to the church, with a good sermon in the head?

In bad weather I would make up a good fire and now and then lean against one of the green- or bluish-tile ovens, and then sometimes take my place at the window and shake my head at the weather.

But then in good weather I would walk often in the garden, to cut and bind the vines on the trellises, or stand at the open window and look out over the mountains as they become rose and gleaming out of their gray and black. Oh, I would gaze down lovingly at every wanderer who passed my quiet house, I would follow him affectionately, wishing him well, approving because he has chosen a better way than mine, because he is really and truly a guest and pilgrim on earth, instead of playing lord and master like me.

I would be that kind of priest, maybe. But maybe I would be a different kind, killing nights in my depressing study with heavy Burgundy, scuffling with a thousand devils, or waking up, terrified, from nightmares caused by my conscience, guilty because of secret sins committed with young women who came to me for confession. Or I would lock my garden's green gate and left the sexton go on ringing the bell, and I would not give a damn about my position in the church or my position in the world, and I would lie down on a fat sofa and smoke, and just be lazy. Too lazy at night to undress and, in the morning, too lzay to get up.

To put it plainly, I wouldn't really be a priest in this house. I would only be the same inconstant, harmless wanderer, the same man I am now. I wouldn't ever really be a priest, but perhaps a slightly wild theologian, a gourmet sometimes, some times almost obscenely lazy, surrounded by wine bottles, obsessed with nubile girls, sometimes a poet, a mime, sometimes homesick, anxious, with pain in my poverty-stricken heart.

So it is all one to me whether I gaze at the green gate, the trellises, the lovely rectory from within or without, whether from the street I gaze longingly up to the window where the spiritual man lives, or whether I gaze enviously down from the window toward the wanderers. What does it have to do with life, whether I am a priest or a vagabond in the street? It's all one to me -- except for a few deep things: I feel life trembling within me, in my tongue, on the soles of my feet, in my desire or my suffering, I want my soul to be a wandering thing, able to move back into a hundred forms, I want to dream myself into priests and wanderers, female cooks and murderers, children and animals, and, more than anything else, birds and trees; that is necessary, I want it, I need it so I can go on living, and if sometime I were to lose these possibilities and be caught in so-called reality, then I would rather die.

I leaned on the fountain and made a sketch of the rectory with its green gate, which I really like best, and with the steeple in the background. Possibly I've made the gate greener than it really is, and I may have made the steeple taller than it really is. All right. All that matters is that for a quarter of an hour this building was my home. Some day I will think of this rectory and grow homesick, though I just stood outside and looked at it, though I knew no one who lived in it -- it will make me homesick as if it were really my home, one of the places where I was a child, happy. Because here, for a quarter hour, I was a child, and I was happy.

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