22. Âng Chhù
Âng-chhù, tī lí ê sió hoe-hn̂g kap pô-tô hn̂g gōa-kháu, góa suh tio̍h kui-ê lâm-pêng Alpes soaⁿ ê khong-khì. Góa kúi-nā pái keng-kòe lí, tē-it pái ê sî, góa ài liû-lōng ê sim kiông boeh khí-pōan; chū án-ne góa koh chi̍t pái khó-lī lāu ê siūⁿ-hoat: ài khiā-ke, ū chi̍t keng tī chheⁿ-sek hoe-hn̂g, sì-kè chēng-chēng ê sió chhù, chng-thâu tī góa ê ē-bīn. Tī hiòng tang ê sió pâng-keng, khǹg góa ê bîn-chhn̂g; lēng-gōa tī hiòng lâm ê pâng-keng, khǹg góa ê toh-á; hia góa boeh kòa chá-chêng góa tī Brescia lí-hêng só͘ bé ê sè-sè, kó͘-chá Madonna ê ōe-siōng.
Chhin-chhiūⁿ múi kang ū chá-khí kap àm-sî, góa ê sèⁿ-miā mā ū ài-boeh lí-hêng kap su-hiong siūⁿ-chhù siang-thâu. Khó-lêng ū chi̍t kang, góa ē lí-hêng ū-kàu kú, ū-kàu hn̄g, chhim-ji̍p góa ê lêng-hûn, án-ne in ê ìn-siōng tī góa lāi-té, góa tō m̄-bián koh si̍t-chè khì chò. Khó-lêng góa mā ē tī góa lāi-té hoat-hiān he pì-bi̍t ê ka-têng, tō m̄-bián koh hí-lāng hoe-hn̂g kap hí-lāng sió âng-chhù. Góa ka-tī tō sī ka-têng!
Seng-oa̍h ē-tàng chha chin chē! Ū chi̍t ê tiong-sim, só͘-ū ê la̍t ùi hit ê tiong-sim chhut-lâi.
M̄-koh góa ê seng-oa̍h bô tiong-sim; góa ê seng-oa̍h phiau-liû tī chē-chē ke̍k-toan kap tùi-li̍p ê ke̍k-toan. Ū-sî ǹg-bāng ka-têng, ū-sî koh ǹg-bāng liû-lōng. Ū-sî ǹg-bāng ko͘-toaⁿ kap siu-tō, ū-sî koh ǹg-bāng ài-chêng kap siā-kau. Góa ū siu-chi̍p chheh kap tô͘, iū-koh kā in sàng hō͘ lâng. Góa ióng-sêng liáu hiáng-lo̍k kap siâ-ok, iū-koh ūi tio̍h khó͘-hêng kap chhàm-hóe kā pàng-tiāu. Góa bat sêng-sim chun-kèng seng-oa̍h sī bu̍t-chit, āu-lâi iū hoat-hiān, góa ē-tàng jīn-tông kap ài ê seng-oa̍h, kan-ta sī kong-lêng.
M̄-koh góa pēng bô koan-sim kái-piàn ka-tī, tî-hui ū siáⁿ kî-chek. Siáng nā teh chhōe kî-chek, boeh lia̍h kî-chek, boeh pang-chàn i, lóng khòaⁿ tio̍h i cháu-khui. Góa koan-sim ê sī, phiau-liû tī chē-chē ke̍k-toan tiong-kan, sî-sî tán kî-chek lâi chhōe góa. Góa koan-sim ê sī, mài boán-chiok, kap jím-siū bô-an-tēng.
Chheⁿ hn̂g ni̍h ê âng chhù ah! Góa í-keng tòa kòe lí ah, góa bē-tàng koh tòa chia. Góa í-keng bat ū ka-têng ah, góa bat khí chi̍t keng chhù, tiōng-niû kòe piah kap chhù-téng, pho͘ kòe hoe-hn̂g ê sió-lō͘, kā góa ka-tī ê tô͘ kòa tī góa ê piah-téng. Ta̍k lâng lóng tiāⁿ-tio̍h ài án-ne chò -- góa chin hoaⁿ-hí góa mā bat án-ne chò. Góa tùi seng-oa̍h ê chē-chē kî-bōng lóng í-keng si̍t-hiān lah. Góa siūⁿ-boeh chò si-jîn, góa chiâⁿ-chò si-jîn. Góa siūⁿ-boeh ū chi̍t keng chhù, tō khí chi̍t keng. Góa siūⁿ-boeh ū bó͘-kiáⁿ, mā ū in ah. Góa siūⁿ-boeh kap lâng kóng-ōe, éng-hióng in, góa án-ne chò ah. Múi kái si̍t-hiān lóng sī boán-chiok. M̄-koh góa bē-tàng jím-siū ê tō sī boán-chiok. Si hō͘ góa hoâi-gî. Chhù hō͘ góa kám-kak siuⁿ sè. Góa ta̍t-kàu ê bo̍k-piau lóng m̄-sī bo̍k-piau, ta̍k tiâu lō͘ lóng sī chhe-lō͘, múi kái hioh-khùn lóng seⁿ-chhut sin ê ǹg-bāng.
Góa ē koh kiâⁿ chē-chē chhe-lō͘, chē-chē si̍t-hiān ē koh hō͘ góa sit-bōng. Ū chi̍t kang, sū-sū ē hián-sī i ka-tī ê ì-gī.
Chhiong-tu̍t siau-sit ê sî tō sī sèⁿ-miā oân-boán (Nirvana). Tī góa lāi-bīn, só͘-ài ê ǹg-bāng ê chheⁿ ē iáu-koh kng-kng siám-sih.
--
22. 紅厝
紅厝, tī 你 ê 小花園 kap 葡萄園外口, 我欶著規个南爿 Alpes 山 ê 空氣. 我幾若擺經過你, 第一擺 ê 時, 我愛流浪 ê 心強欲起叛; 自 án-ne 我 koh 一擺考慮老 ê 想法: 愛徛家, 有一間 tī 青色花園, 四界靜靜 ê 小厝, 庄頭 tī 我 ê 下面. Tī 向東 ê 小房間, 囥我 ê 眠床; 另外 tī 向南 ê 房間, 囥我 ê 桌仔; 遐我欲掛早前我 tī Brescia 旅行所買 ê 細細, 古早 Madonna ê 畫像.
親像每工有早起 kap 暗時, 我 ê 性命 mā 有愛欲旅行 kap 思鄉想厝雙頭. 可能有一工, 我會旅行有夠久, 有夠遠, 深入我 ê 靈魂, án-ne in ê 印象 tī 我內底, 我 tō 毋免 koh 實際去做. 可能我 mā 會 tī 我內底發現彼祕密 ê 家庭, tō 毋免 koh 嬉弄花園 kap 嬉弄小紅厝. 我家己 tō 是家庭!
生活 ē-tàng 差真濟! 有一个中心, 所有 ê 力 ùi 彼个中心出來.
M̄-koh 我 ê 生活無中心; 我 ê 生活漂流 tī 濟濟極端 kap 對立 ê 極端. 有時 ǹg 望家庭, 有時 koh ǹg 望流浪. 有時 ǹg 望孤單 kap 修道, 有時 koh ǹg 望愛情 kap 社交. 我有收集冊 kap 圖, 又 koh kā in 送予人. 我養成了享樂 kap 邪惡, 又 koh 為著苦行 kap 懺悔 kā 放掉. 我 bat 誠心尊敬生活是物質, 後來又發現, 我 ē-tàng 認同 kap 愛 ê 生活, 干焦是功能.
M̄-koh 我並無關心改變家己, 除非有啥奇蹟. Siáng 若 teh 揣奇蹟, 欲掠奇蹟, 欲幫贊伊, 攏看著伊走開. 我關心 ê 是, 漂流 tī 濟濟極端中間, 時時等奇蹟來揣我. 我關心 ê 是, 莫滿足, kap 忍受無安定.
青園 ni̍h ê 紅厝 ah! 我已經蹛過你 ah, 我 bē-tàng koh 蹛遮. 我已經 bat 有家庭 ah, 我 bat 起一間厝, 丈量過壁 kap 厝頂, 鋪過花園 ê 小路, kā 我家己 ê 圖掛 tī 我 ê 壁頂. 逐人攏定著愛 án-ne 做 -- 我真歡喜我 mā bat án-ne 做. 我對生活 ê 濟濟期望攏已經實現 lah. 我想欲做詩人, 我成做詩人. 我想欲有一間厝, tō 起一間. 我想欲有某囝, mā 有 in ah. 我想欲 kap 人講話, 影響 in, 我 án-ne 做 ah. 每改實現攏是滿足. M̄-koh 我 bē-tàng 忍受 ê tō 是滿足. 詩予我懷疑. 厝予我感覺 siuⁿ 細. 我達到 ê 目標攏毋是目標, 逐條路攏是叉路, 每改歇睏攏生出新 ê ǹg 望.
我會 koh 行濟濟叉路, 濟濟實現會 koh 予我失望. 有一工, 事事會顯示伊家己 ê 意義.
衝突消失 ê 時 tō 是性命圓滿 (Nirvana). Tī 我內面, 所愛 ê ǹg 望 ê 星會猶 koh 光光閃爍.
--
22. Red House
Red house, out of your small garden and vineyard all the southern Alps breathe to me. I have walked past you several times, and even the first time my wanderlust was sharply reminded of its opposite pole; and once again I toy with the old refrains: to have a home, a little house in a green garden stillness everywhere, a village below me. In a little room facing east my bed would stand, my own bed; in another little room facing south, my table; and there I would hang up the small, ancient Madonna which I bought on an earlier journey, in Brescia.
Like the day between morning and evening, my life falls between my urge to travel and my homesickness. Maybe some day I will have come far enough for travel and distances to become part of my soul, so that I will have their images within me, without having to make them literally real any more. Maybe I will also find that secret home within me where there will be no more flirting with gardens and little red houses. To be at home with myself!
How different life would be! There would be a center, and out of that center all forces would reach.
But there is no center in my life; my life hovers between many poles and counterpoles. A longing for home here, a longing for wandering there. A longing for loneliness and cloister here, and an urge for love and community there. I have collected books and paintings and given them away. I have cultivated voluptuousness and vice, and renounced them for aseticism and penance. I have faithfully revered life as substance, and then realized that I could recognize and love life only as function.
But it is not my concern to change myself. Only a miracle could do that. And whoever seeks a miracle, whoever grasps at it, whoever tries to assist it, seems it fleeing away. My concern is to hove between many extreme opposites and to be ready when a miracle overtakes me. My concern is to be unsatisfied and to endure restlessness.
Red house in the green! I have already lived through you, I can't go on living through you. I have already had a home, I have built a house, measured wall and roof, laid out paths in the garden, and hung my own walls with my own pictures. Every person is driven to do the same -- I am happy that I once lived this way. Many of my desires in life have been fulfilled. I wanted to be a poet, and became a poet. I wanted to have a house, and built one. I wanted to have a wife and children, and had them. I wanted to speak to people and impress them, and I did so. And every fulfillment quickly became satiety. But to be satisfied was the very thing I coudl not bear. Poetry became suspect to me. The house became narrow to me. No goal that I reached was a goal, every path was a detour, every rest gave birth to new longing.
Many detours I will still follow, many fulfillments will still disillusion me. One day, everything will reveal its meaning.
There, where contradictions die, is Nirvana. Within me, they still burn brightly, beloved stars of longing.
--
No comments:
Post a Comment